...and An Existential Crisis Is Better than Complacency

Bleh.

I have this building dread that I'm supposed to be doing something.  Not just anything, something.  Something that changes the world (or at least Boise).  Now before everyone starts privately emailing me or posting on my Facebook wall that I am special and a great mom (thank you in advance), I want you to know that I understand the importance of being Pooka's role model.  I take that very seriously, and that's just another part of this weird, nagging feeling: What will be the legacy I leave her?

I'm not the world's greatest businessperson, but I manage to scrape together a living being self-employed.  I'm not a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, but I can get my point across on a good day.  I'm not brave by nature, but I have been.

Which means I can be again, right?  If only I knew what I should be afraid of...

So, what is it that is pulling me?  I'm willing to jump as soon as it presents itself, but apparently I need IT to wack me upside the head with Thor's hammer.

What is IT?

Bleh.  

...and 40 Is Better than 20

At twenty, I:

• got married for the first time.  We didn't discuss whether we wanted children (me: yes, him: no), whether we wanted to settle down anywhere (me: yes, him: no), whether we cared if the other was happy (me: yes, him: well, I think you get the picture).
• thought a person had to sacrifice her own happiness and comfort for the sake of another to prove her love. 
• was very unhappy and didn't think it mattered.  Except for one day, when it mattered a lot.  I got over that.  Well, for a while.  Not really.  I mean, we divorced three years later.
• imagined what "someday" would look like, telling myself it would "somehow" create itself.
• contemplated suicide.

At forty, I:

• have been married twice, which has taught me what I want in a romantic partner: someone kind, who truly loves me and communicates well.  So far, so good with The Guy.
• know that one never has to sacrifice her own happiness and comfort to prove her love.  What kind of jerk would expect her to do that??  And that goes for friendships, too.  Only invite those into your life that accept you as is and encourage and cheer you on.  The "others" will find little spots here and there.  Remove them as soon as you realize neither of you brings the other joy.  What is the point in relationships that don't have that comfort?  I have loved many - still love some of them - but I will not model something unhealthy for my daughter.  I want her to have a peaceful, joyful time in her life.
• am doing what it takes to be happy - the word of the decade, apparently.
• know that "someday" is something I create for myself.
• want to live a long damn time and see the world and accomplish many things.

Happy birthday to me.

...and Remembering What It Is To Be a Kid Is Better than Getting Your Way

Today, in a move I learned from my mother, I forgot what it is to be a kid. Actually, to be human.

As people, we all want to be special, but only in a way that doesn't upset the balance of belonging to our peer groups. In first grade, kids are learning what it is to conform to their social group. They're figuring out what it takes to fit in. They want to please. They want to be comfortable in their surroundings, even while they want others to notice they're unique.

My seven-year-old has had a chaotic life. She has the amazing ability - already - to assess her environment and adapt, but she is only a first-grader. While she loves being a little different, she craves community. I understand this; I am the same way at nearly forty years old. And yet, I forgot.

It was only for a moment, maybe fifteen minutes, but it was long enough to make her cry. Because she is already a compassionate, beautiful being, her response to this horrible amnesia was, "I should remember to be more grateful, Mama."

Her kindness made me proud of who she is and ashamed of myself.

Those fifteen minutes, hopefully minor for her even with the distress, will be with me a long time.

...and Taking Your Own Photos Is Better than Google Images (part two)

Gratuitous Cat Photo (Cleo)

All Facebook friends know I declared it Clint Eastwood Friday.  In a lovely bit of synchronicity, this was in the window of the bookstore next to my salon.

Corner of 5th and Main in downtown Boise

One of the large bins at Lux.  Makes me think of my dad...

Shadow of trees in the City of Trees

I cheated.  This was a shot I took a couple of days ago of my tat.

...and Taking Your Own Photos Is Better than Google Images

...though I'm very partial to Google Images.

Today is a gorgeous sunny day in Boise.  I want to try out these lovely new camera apps on my iPhone and putz around downtown before heading in to Illuminate.  Expect many amateur shots.  Just warning you.

Good Bye, Steve

It's been years since I've worked at Micron, but I will always remember Steve Appleton as a great man with a quick smile and a warm handshake.

My heart goes out to his family.

Rest easy, Steve.

...and Getting It Done Is Better than Getting It Perfect

GAH!!  Why is it that I can push myself really hard at times (had a baby without drugs, did a marathon, got published, opened Illuminate Salon), and then turn around and PROCRASTINATE like no one else?

Haven't I learned by now that it's always better to face my fears and forge ahead?  And what is so scary about, oh, creating a ten-page marketing plan for school?  It can only help me when I turn around and make one for Illuminate, right?

And the sooner I get the legal crap with my ex finished, the clearer my head will be so I can concentrate on the MANY other things I want/need to do, like, oh, WRITING.

If only there was a magical cheese I could eat that would push me...or bacon.  Yeah, a magical strip of bacon to give me energy.  That would be good.