Friday, June 29, 2012

...and Overthinking Is Better than Not Thinking At All

Or is it?

Seriously, I should be on meds.  Things will be clicking right along, seemingly near-perfect, and my brain will notice little things to wonder about.  Then that wonder turns to worry.  Then that same overthinking worry-brain hits critical mass and immediately starts to shut down out of fear to protect itself. 

I picture it like a large old house with all the windows open.  Curtains are lazily blowing through the windows, the sky is blue, the birds are happily chirping in the trees.  I'm standing at the attic window - completely happy - when I notice something small in the horizon.  I don't like what I think I see, but instead of grabbing binoculars to really get a good look, I slam the attic window shut and move to a different window.  If that small speck in the distance doesn't quickly reveal itself, I will shut all the windows and board up the house - no visitors allowed, please push cheese through the mail slot.

So maybe not thinking at all is better.  What do I know?  I'm just a hairstylist.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

...and Late Is Better than Never (on being a mother)

I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a mom. 

I thought, once upon a time, that I would have four kids.  Then it dropped down to two.  Then I held Pooka for the first time and knew I never needed any more.  Even now, I hold myself back from swallowing her everyday, hoping to keep her forever even as I know she'll eventually need - and want - to move on to her own life.

Even when she's whiny and a know-it-all and talking too much, I still want to hold her tight to me.  She is beyond anything I could have ever wished for.

I'm sure sometimes my friends wish I'd let go and go out on the town or do ANYTHING without her, but she'll only allow me to be this close to her for a bit longer.  I want to take advantage while I can. 

So please forgive me if I'm the mom who takes my kid everywhere.  Forgive that I recreated my business to include a teepee for my kid.  Forgive that I'd rather spend the $40 to take her to the movies rather than on a babysitter for her. 

Give me time. 

Eventually she won't want me around, and I'll need you to make sure I leave the house.