Saturday, July 7, 2012

...and Living In the Now Is Better than Worrying About the Past/Future

Or so they say.

But here I am overthinking again.  It's what I do, especially on nights that are so hot it prevents sleep from taking over.  For me, the way out of the overthink is to talk it out.  If that's not an option, I write.  Once it's out, I hope to rest.

How does one get to the point where she can just be okay with Now

Lately, I hear the whole "live for today" thing in a very different way, and it doesn't sound comforting.  I say that as a person who has attempted to plot her life since the beginning and has always struggled with the unexpected outcomes.  Get good grades in high school, and you'll go to a great college, right?  Not if money issues and family dynamics get in the way.  Learn from a failed relationship and make deliberate choices before the next, right?  Ummmmm...I'm on my second divorce.

So let's say I meditate or find my center or whatever it takes to be in the moment, completely letting go of what the Future may bring - then what?  What does that look like?  I know in my practical mind that people can't truly live in the Now without planning for the Future, but I do get the metaphysical aspect of Now being all we truly have.  Still, it makes my brain hurt.  How do we concentrate on what the Future needs to bring if we're only focused on Now?  Fuck.  I suck at this.  Take care of Today, and Tomorrow will be okay?  Sounds close, but maybe I'm not bright enough to fully grasp the concept.  Happy Today hasn't always meant Happy Tomorrow, and that's where my brain explodes.

And what of the Past?  We're supposed to remember it or we're doomed to repeat it, but don't you dare dwell there or you'll never move beyond it.  Ugh.  Who can keep all this shit straight?

AND what if right Now there are things that make your heart hurt?  Nothing real, just your run-of-the-mill insecurities or worries, but still...discomfort.  Isn't it then okay to look to the Future and hope that things once again turn out unexpectedly, just this time in your favor?  Isn't it okay to daydream that your business makes more than enough to just cover the bills, that your child has a long and happy life, that you get to be in love forever?  Sometimes right Now doesn't assure all that, you know?

And here's the answer my befuddled brain just sent me: Faith, GiGi.

I just have to have faith in Tomorrow while I live Today.  Faith in the people I love.  Faith in me.  Okay.

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